When you think of Thanksgiving, you think family, football, parade, pilgrims/indians, and most importantly… FOOD.
That’s where I come in. I am going to break down your thanksgiving for you, moment by moment, to lighten your thanksgiving (which we all know is the MOST stressful holiday of the year). These are moments from stories told to me over the years by my friends about thanksgivings they have had and moments from thanksgivings at my own home. I’m sure most of us can relate when it comes to packing your entire family in your house on thanksgiving. Enjoy and have an awesome thanksgiving!
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE THANKSGIVING* AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE, NOT A CREATURE WAS STIRRING, NOT EVEN A MOUSE. That’s because your whole family is getting wasted at your local wine bar, ’cause all you have to do the next day is be hung over and fed by your family.
THANKSGIVING MORNING – SOMEWHERE AROUND 9AM
The parade starts, and you scoop some of your mothers famous Jimmy Dean Casserole, which consists of an entire carton of eggs, Jimmy Dean sausage, and a little bit of love. Your dad makes the biscuits and gravy which can bring a grown man to his knees. The children refuse to touch the casserole or the biscuits and gravy because it is “EWW-Y”.
What do you bring to the table during this segment of the Thanksgiving day? Bloody Mary’s. If there is one thing you learned in college, it’s how to whip up a fat cup of tomato juice to cure everyone’s hangover from the night before. They’ll thank you later.
RIGHT AROUND NOON
Your 16-year-old brother is still snoozing because he snuck too much of Grandpa’s Schnapps last night while you were all at the wine bar. Grandma is posted up in her rocker knitting everyone’s christmas presents. Dad has his hand 8 inches up a turkeys ass. Mom is lighting up a cigarette out of her bathroom window with rubber gloves on (because nobody knows she smokes…)
What do you bring to the table during this segment of the Thanksgiving day? Nothing. You literally have nothing to give at this point in the day. Your moral obligation is to sit on the couch and watch the Dog Show that immediately follows the parade, take an acid reflux pill, and wait for the Bloody Mary to kick in.
MOVING CLOSE TO 4PM
Dads hand is still around 6-8 inches up the turkeys ass. Grandpa is on the desktop, trying to send his buddies an inappropriate Thanksgiving chain email.
What do you bring to the table during this segment of the Thanksgiving day? While it is 2014 and he does own an iPad, Grandpa isn’t quite the “Apple Genius” we all expect him to be. After hearing him yell “DAD GUMMIT.. SON OF A.. WHY DON’T PEOPLE SEND LETTERS ANYMORE?”, you race upstairs to rescue him from the black hole we like to call the “internet”. After reading a sexually offensive email about a pilgrim and a turkey, head back downstairs to try to erase this from your memory.
4:30PM – DINNER TIME
The table is set to perfection. Your mother has been planning the seating chart for months because the “in-laws” don’t get along, so they have to be at opposite ends of the table. You all sit and your father carves the turkey. Everyone “ooh’s and awe’s” and the carving is followed by a round of applause. The food is magical and everyone is leaned back in their chairs, patting their belly with a sly smirk on their face thinking, “I am about to blow up your bathroom”.
What do you bring to the table during this segment of the Thanksgiving day? Since your parents insisted they did not need your help to cook, they trap you into being the solo clean up crew. “Why don’t you be a good hostess and clear the table” your mother suggests. Once you get in the groove of clearing the table, you might as well just do the dishes. You’ve already missed the good post-yams conversation about Ferguson and Pope Francis.
**Oh, and while you’re at it, you might as well serve up the dessert and brew the coffee, ’cause you’re in college so you MUST know how to brew a good pot of coffee.
POST DINNER AROUND 7:30PM
Everyone loads into your moms mini-van and heads to the local movie theater. After all, what is Thanksgiving if you don’t go to the movie theater after dinner?
What do you bring to the table during this segment of the Thanksgiving day? You are the final decision maker in the family. Your aunt wants to go bowling but your dad wants to see Dumb and Dumber Too. You have the final say with deciding on the movie because you are sick of everyone’s bitching. You can sit quietly at the movie! Socialization is not required.
The movie is over and you are headed home. You were lucky enough to get in the car with your cool cousins. You suggest finding a bar to stop at before you go home. A few cocktails and three bottles of wine later, you are back in the comfort of your own home with your blacked out 30 something year old cousins, scrounging through the fridge to make a turkey sandwich with Miracle Whip, on a toasted Kings Hawaiian bun.
What do you bring to the table during this segment of the Thanksgiving day? Water and Advil. It is the only thing left for your older cousins to accept you as one of their own. You are now old enough to be in the drunk cousins club, and your brother is now the one who gets to stay at home and watch all of their children.
Finally, you have made it to the end of the day. You retreat to your sofa (because the family has taken over your room). Kick back and relax because you have made it through another thanksgiving. Be thankful you have 364 more days until you have to deal with that again.
Until Next Time, Cheers and Happy Thanksgiving,
photo from awkwardfamilyphotos.com